The Carry

I'm a very emotional person, and I do this thing that bugs the Hell out of me. I can pinpoint exactly what I'm feeling at any given moment. Sadness, joy, heartache, happiness, fear, terror, helplessness, hopefulness... So, I'm good in that way. I know how I'm feeling. Here's the crap part: I don't always know why.

My spirit works in such a way that the emotions come first, sometimes long before the reason for them. Here's the other crap part: it's very difficult for me to hide what I'm feeling. If it's not on my face, it's in my body language, or in my tone of voice. If you know me really well, you will know how I'm feeling- sometimes before I do. However, you're not always going to know why, and neither will I. And even if I do know why, I'm not always going to tell you what's up with me, cuz I gotta keep things interesting. There are folks that have given up on me because of these traits. They see my emotions as a complication- a thing that gets in the way. Hey, I get that. Emotions can be heavy. They can be light, but they can also be incredibly heavy. And if you are an emotionally-driven person, such as myself, you never put them down. See, that's me. I carry them.

I carry the sadness. I carry the happy. I carry the hope, the joy, the fear, the love, the hate, the anger, the despair, and the excitement. I carry the turmoil, the depression, the grief, the helplessness, the hope, and the crazy. I carry the passion. I carry the gratitude. I carry the despair and the lust. I carry the jealousy, and the fear, the sacredness and the blessed. I carry the humility. I carry the regret. I carry the courage. I carry the furious. I carry the insane. I carry the stoical, and I carry the wonder. I carry the deep feelings of loss; those are especially heavy.

When I carry my emotions, they are ever present. Sometimes there's one to carry, sometimes several. They can often get in the way of life, and make it difficult to think about anything else. In my adult life, I have come to the realization that I cannot always put my emotions away when I need to. I can't place them on a shelf, like I do with a great book that I have just finished. I wish I could. I wish I could say, "Ok, I'm done with that emotion for now so I'm going to put it away to collect dust for a while." That's not how I operate. Instead, I've had to find a way to focus while still feeling. If I'm sad about something, I have to push it down so that I can take care of the every day tasks. I'll feel the sad later. The same with excitement or happy. I have to consciously wrap those feelings up and put them in my pocket in order to be calm, or quiet, or indifferent, if that's what's required. It's not easy and I'm not always successful. This is mainly because I like to carry them. That's what's natural to me.

There are times, though, that the carry is too much. When what I'm feeling is so complicated and heavy that I shove it into a suitcase and drag it around aimlessly through the labyrinth in my mind, which then becomes an all-consuming occasion. Now, I'm not an alcoholic. I'm not addicted to drugs. I don't smoke, and I don't have a gambling problem. But, I could. I could be an alcoholic. I could be a drug addict or addicted to nicotine. In addition to carrying my emotions, I also have a very addictive personality. How about a glass of wine? Great! Even better? The entire bottle. Want a smoke? Yeah, why not! Even better? 3 or 4...or half the pack. The wine, the smokes, and drugs, all numb me. All make it possible for me to not have the burden of the carry, and to not have to worry about where to stash my emotions when I can't carry them, only to feel them later on. So, rather than being an addict, I choose to feel. When the suitcase is full, I gotta feel. There's no way around it. I have to work my way through what I'm feeling and allow it to happen. Ringo Starr once said, "That's all drugs and alcohol do. They cut off your emotions in the end." Very true, Ringo.

I've become pretty good at finding a balance in all of this. If I need to unload the suitcase, it doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to have an emotional breakdown. I may go for a run. Or do a work out. I may play around on the piano, listen to music, or write, which is precisely why I'm sitting here now at my computer. I'm writing to unload. We all carry something. The key is knowing what that something is, and figuring out a way to unravel it without losing our head about it.

Judith Wright said, "Feelings or emotions are the universal language and are to be honored. They are the authentic expression of who you are at your deepest place." This is complete truth. If I'm not being authentic, I don't want to be at all. It's a choice. I choose to feel because I choose to live. I choose to be me.

Perhaps Chuck Palahniuk said it best. "You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be." I choose to be.